From:
Andrea Wilkinson [mailto:idgieaw@yahoo.com]
Sent: Monday, February 19, 2001 12:33 PM
To: eva.cordery@pandora.be
Subject: In the nude.
Seeing as how we have already discussed the fact that we tend
to drop each other’s names upon strangers...last night I
had an interesting encounter. Sitting there having coffee, a rather
jovial man approached me, and leaning towards me said, "What's
the word?"
I looked at Bobbie,
back at him, and then motioned him to come closer. "Eva,"
I said quietly.
I leaned back in my somewhat unsteady plastic chair, and gave
him a shrug.
He nodded his head to let me know that he understood...and took
his first two fingers, index and middle finger, the same two fingers
that statues of Mary
and the saints often put together, and he put them over his heart,
tapping twice.
:)
See what an affect you have on people? just your name?
That was my Sunday afternoon and evening.
Now the rest of this email is my explanation and defense...it's
actually rather entertaining, I think you will enjoy it.
**************************************************
Here is the only thing you need to know in order to read the rest
of this email. Whenever you see brackets like this; [ ]
you need to insert one of the following words, or words of this
nature: cool, fabulous, radiant, neat, interesting, beautiful,
great, incredible, charming, witty, brilliant, remarkable, awesome,
outstanding, attractive, pleasant, gay <---a funny pun, amusing,
fun, etc... At times you might have to add the word "most"
in front of whatever word you choose, and at other times you might
have to add the suffix "est." (which in this online
version I have taken the liberty to do myself)
:)
There are several renditions of this letter already written. One
is on my hard drive at work, and one is in my drafts folder at
www.yahoo.com. One is in my head, though very unpolished...and
maybe unpolished is best. But I almost want to ditch this entire
effort and tell you in person. Grab you by the shoulders and shake
you a bit--you know, rough up your collar and then have to pat
it down again. I could practice my lines over and over before
I get on the plane...until the lines are spoken calmly and almost
with arrogance. So I could part my lips slightly and speak with
an heir of confidence so remarkable that you would become something
like the word "embarrassed."
I would laugh a lot and lean in on the good parts so you would
understand their importance. I would explain in grandiose detail
the whys and why nots. More like the "why nots." You
know, explain what possessed me to go off in such a way...with
barely a convincing nod on your part.
It just must have come as a bit of a surprise, that's all. My
being "bonkers" as you put it...a "nutcase"
as you said. Catching you off guard. Yes. All of these things
true. Completely.
When I got home from New Years I did not have any plans to turn
on the ol' wooing powers. I mean, yes. I had a great time with
you that Friday. The whole contact lens-less night experience--the
pause I didn't know how to interpret at all. Your head so freaking
close to mine that I panicked, staring wide-eyed at the ceiling
until your breathing turned into a heavy pattern and you fell
asleep.
First I promised you emails. An effort to let you know that I
value you as a person, and that I want to get to know you better.
And why do I want to know you better? because I think you are
(such) a(n)
person, that I am better for knowing you, that you challenge me
as a thinker, stretch me a bit, make me grow...hanging out with
you is a swift kick in my ass...helps me to see the bigger picture...you
can offer reading suggestions, travel destinations. A keeper.
You are a keeper in every sense of the word.
And then you wrote about the boy who bribed his friends to stay:
"I felt really good going home afterwards, and realized
that it really would be nice to have someone (a girl though) pay
that much attention to you in a dowdy, old fashioned way like
that. Like the thing you said that time about being the one someone
gives a rose to. It makes sense. There's just too little romance
left in this world methinks."
And I said to myself. I would pay attention to Eva. I am part
of the romance that is left in the world. Why could I not be the
girl?
I should probably have known better. I thought long and hard about
the consequences on our friendship.
And I thought more...and turned it into the following hypothetical
situation...
We are in our 40s, somewhere in the Swiss Alps outside in a hot
tub drinking wine...we're all there with our girlfriends having
a great time. We keep drinking. We're talking about our lives
in the past...the good ol' days...you start laughing. And I say,
"what's so damn funny, Eva?" And you say, "You
know what, Andrea...you know back in 2001...the year you seemed
to be ever-present in Belgium...we might have/could have had something,
you know, if the timing had been right, the stars been aligned,
the moon over mars...if you would have only sent me a can with
string..."
In the morning the five of you wake to find me dead...face down...drowned
in the hot tub...or smothered to death in the snow.
I could never let that happen, Eva. If there was even the smallest
chance in the entire world, I have to give it a shot. I have to
go after it full force. It's the American way, remember? I can
be anything I want, do anything, go anywhere. I wanted to be that
girl...the girl paying attention to you.
You are one of the
people I have ever met. Why would I not do everything in my power
to let you KNOW that you are one of the
people I have ever met. And I'm pretty fucking
myself, in case you had forgotten. :)
It all started out innocently enough.
And let me tell you. When I heard nothing back from the gift of
the can and string...I panicked hard core. But I figured I would
go ahead and go all out. I had already made such a complete fool
of myself that I might as well go ahead and get it over with.
I was positive that I could salvage a friendship from the rubbles
of my romantic attempts, as I have always been able to do in the
past...
And I want you to know that you were soo worth all of my trouble.
:) All of this utter torment. The not hearing from you. Or even
the time when I will have to endure reading the email that will
eventually come—the one that will make me sad...or make me
cry. Yes...I am to the point it would make me cry. So what!
But remember when I said, "by the time I get to Paris, I
will be asexual and platonic again?" I will move past this,
Eva. You are too
to let this silly little notion ruin the great friendship that
is forming.
That's all really. I just wanted you to know that I think you
are a beautiful person (brackets optional). My friend Colleen
thought I meant that you were just "pretty" when I said
that. She's like, "What, Andrea, you think she's just really
gorgeous? That doesn't sound like you. You're not into that."
I corrected her...and said, that by saying "beautiful person"
I meant that you are beautiful in personality and conversation
and looks and mind and on and on. **shrug** See? That is why I
wanted to tell you this in person, but could not wait. This is
me. This is blunt honesty. This is still rather embarrassing actually,
but of course I would do it again gladly. This is the part where
I sheepishly smile at you and make the face like, "what have
I done?" and laugh a little nervously.
So there dearest Eva. It was rather painful to write, but now
it's all out there. I'm all naked again. But at least I managed
to keep it rather "to the point" and still flecked with
a bit of humor. I think the bracket idea made it a little more
fun to read. ;)
At any rate, I wish only the best for you, and look forward to
a long and prosperous friendship. I am so looking forward to Paris
that the next two weeks will seem slow, and then the three days
will go fleeting past. I need Paris like I need sleep. I do believe
we will have a splendid time.
Your painfully honest, really
friend,
(who is still choosing joy regardless!!)
Andrea |
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